Haha, well, because I’ve been chugging through a backlog of responses, you’ve already read some of them, and I hope you enjoyed it and felt something click!  

I am not sure when I realized I was on that spectrum, but it feels like I didn’t even know it was a thing for so long that I’m just angry there was not more visible definition of this thing.  I wish that I’d run across someone explaining being asexual when I was 14 the way I ran across narratives from trans folk and lesbians and all these other things I did not get exposed to in super conservative small town hell.   But never was there anyone who said you could just opt out.  You had to a pick a ’-sexual’ flavor.  

Again, not ‘do you like pizza’, but 'what kind’.

I forced myself to draw something that was much pornier than I was used to once, and it was an extreme struggle.  I had to zoom so far in that I only had the most abstract idea of what the lines I was making were.

I also once tried to force myself to write something closer to pornish, but I couldn’t even make myself lead into it.  I was trying to write with one eye closed and looking slightly to the right of my computer monitor, thinking I could do it if I didn’t face it head on (I don’t know). I was so desperately focused on 'This is what I have to do to be normal in fandom.  People keep asking me where this is, why haven’t I written it, when is it coming, why can’t I do this, it should be fine.’

But it wasn’t!  So it was feeling like a childish failure making sweet, sensitive, and romanticish (and then later extremely violent) art until now as I’m hearing things from you and others all saying that what I’m making is speaking to you! 

I’m so glad to hear you say all these things, thanks very much!  I know you’ve only been here for the last month or so because of my B5 art, but I’m very glad what I’ve made in that time has spoken to you! 

This is so great for me to hear, I’m so glad for all of this.  

I experienced so much freakout when I realized I was some kind of bi rather than hetero and it was a significant dent in my identity at the time.  I had to take a lot of time to think that through, no matter how strong some crush on some girl was at the time.   And then I felt so much guilt that I wasn’t immediately like, ‘Yeeeahh, want me some ladies~~~’ because the asexual thing still hadn’t really clicked and I was worried it was taking me so long to adjust.   

And maybe it was something internalized, but it mostly felt like just realigning every cell in my body to a new concept of myself, and that took a little while!  And it was a little painful at times as much as it was liberating.  

So I decided to do that with Deep Dish Nine Julian after he’d gone 26 years thinking he was happily hetero and then suddenly he’s adoring going on really strange and intriguing dates with a very odd man.   

I see so many stories that go, “Wow, I guess I’m bi now!  I’m going to have gay sex TO-NIGHT,” and I couldn’t help feeling like that was just outrageous.  There are probably people who have done that (or equivalent things), but I never could have done something that would have been so counter to how I’d identified myself just hours earlier.   So I decided it would take a little while for Julian to sit and analyze everything and be able to jump into things completely.  

And Elim waits and understands about this, because he is the Wise and Patient one for that aspect.  

My asexual metaphor thing strikes again.

Anyway, I make these things because I can tie into them and understand them, and knowing that there are other people who have such similar experiences is really freeing and lovely.  It’s like it finally legitimizes what I do and makes me feel less like I’m being too soft, innocent, and childish.  I love the idea that I could offer some kind of similar friendly feeling of 'You’re okay’ to other people by just making a thing and putting it on the internet.  

I hope they understand why you’re so hesitant, and I hope you’ve tried to tell them! It’s terrifying to be in a spot like that and think that you have to get all your realigning done within a set time limit or your person will vanish or you’ll upset them.  

I am delighted my art has talked to you a, thank you so much for sharing.  Good luck~!