this man is just leaving me bland generic comments on my art about the show rather than about my art and so has done nothing terribly offensive, but i want to find him and tear him apart I am so annoyed

amatara replied to your post: i’m making some weird ass chicken, i hope i can…

A-are the sleeping aliens you-know who? If so- *flails* -I’m kinda desperate for you to share. Also I like some pretty weird things and I know the same goes for many others on here, so please don’t feel ashamed to show us stuff or admit to liking it~

They are precisely who you hope they are, yes, haha.  

Unfortunately, my giant shame thing is a lifelong thing that’s been beaten into me by various family members, some friends who surely thought they were being cute and friendly by teasing me, and my ex who I am only recently realizing kept me in some kind of bonsai tree state of development artistically and emotionally - just clipping me back all the time with strongly voiced disapproval even as she knew fully well how much I valued her opinion.   I still feel pretty bonsai about a lot of things.

So it’s not loving these two dorky aliens specifically that’s hitting my shame button - it’s nearly everything I love that is difficult for me to be too enthusiastic about.   I am used to be being scolded, told I’m weird, told my ideas are wrong, told to tone it down, and just being aggressively shut down when ever I have too strong a feeling about something.    I’m extremely sensitive, very emotional, symbols and gestures mean a lot to me, but most of the people who have been in positions to have the largest effect on those things have done damage, so it’s not something I can just say, ‘lol, it’s okay, it’s tumblr!’ to.   I’m trying, though.  I force myself to post a lot of things and I’m getting better.   I posted my first fanfiction to the internet ten years ago this month and was in a constant panic attack state for a week afterwards.  It’s not nearly that severe anymore, so things are going up!

Anyway, now that we’re through the trip to the department of Lady’s Tragic Backstory, thank you for the voice of support about it~  I’ll probably hold onto the image for a while and post it when my brain is caught off guard or when I feel particularly good.  Or else it’ll end up on livejournal so I can feel like it’s posted but hidden, because my brain can do all sorts of things to fool itself, evidently.

radioactivesoup replied to your post: people tagging my shit like ‘brotp’ and my issues…

you come into MY HOUSE and call my otp a BROTP????

Right? hahahaaaa   I’m just gonna go on a word spew here.

I think for me a lot of it is just like it has this feeling of a sort of seizing of fanwork?  I’m protective of fanwork, I think possibly too seriously about fanwork, so I’m a big supporter of people’s intentions behind their fanwork more than I am about the intentions behind the work that inspired it.  The larger work had networks, and censors, and agendas, and had to make some money.  Fanwork was made out of some passion, or vision, or the creator’s desire to see something like themselves in something they love, or even just joy in the original content, no matter where they get that joy from.   Like, it’s cool you do not see this thing the way I see it, but do not tell me the way I see it is wrong or just appropriate a thing I made in my vision to suit your own.  

I operate on a ‘Do not put out any fanwork that is more damaging than the source material’ policy.  If the original was sort of racist or sexist (and this is mostly sci-fi, so it was), I see no reason to be faithful to that in my fanstuff, because that shit doesn’t need perpetuating.  Do I try to celebrate all the non-straight relationships we almost had, though?  Hell yeah.  I don’t do things perfectly because no one does, and I wish there were things that appealed to me more so I could do them more justice, but I try not to do any damage.  

This feels a little bit related to my Lisa Frank drawings, weirdly enough.   Every time I do one of those, male fans of whatever the subject matter is tell me that they look like album covers from the 60’s.  You know, a nice, respectable and proper art form, unlike rainbow unicorn art done for school supplies and stickers.   Every time I get a 'This has a lot of 60s psychedelic album aesthetic’ comment when I’ve clearly explained what I’ve made in my artist’s comments, I want to slam my hands on the table yelling, “It’s. Lisa. Frank. It’s! Lisa! Frank!  It’s commercial sparkles from the nineties IT. IS. LISA. FRAAAANNNK.”  I get this feeling they’re trying to redeem or legitimize my choice of 'trashy’ or 'disposable’ or, god forbid, 'girly’ art, even if they’re probably only trying to relate to it as people who were probably not little girls in the 90s.  Just that they even feel the need to make these comments puts me on edge.  I just want to say, 'Then fine, what I have made is Not For You, and you should move on.  Yes, it’s Babylon 5/Star Trek/Doctor Who/JtHM, which you’re used to be All Yours, but if it’s done in a way you can’t relate to, leave those of us who DO relate in peace and continue on your way, because this thing is Not Yours.'  

And maybe part of this is some kind of over sensitivity on my part, but it grates and worms under my skin Every Time.  Women are never seen running into male art spaces trying to legitimize their shit because men get to be legit for just having done it.  Dudes want to say something about my Lisa Frank, or even enjoy it, they have to say it’s in the tradition of some art form they respect in order to legitimize it. 

So grabbing my blatant heart drawings and saying 'this is a brotp’ is grating to me in a really similar way.  It’s not for you then, brotp-user, move on, don’t twist it up to suit you.