Please just allow me to have a lot of feelings all over you.

Oh, shit.  So that’s why that trip happened.  And then it set up all the plot points for season 2.   It’s all coming together now.  

The office is really full of what feels like kindergarteners with guns.   I feel on a daily basis that I’m not actually working, but I’m on some kind of Truman Show version of an office and somewhere, some people are watching it and wondering why the new girl doesn’t have any overt wacky or outlandish traits beyond her dresses yet.   Soon I’ll be revealed to be the rainbow goth nerdy one who knows weirdly specific trivia, but in the meantime, the audience is being entertained by: 

Frank: The apparent star of the Parole Office show, makes loud commentary on every aspect of everything to anyone who will listen.  Fond of singing on the intercom, telling long jokes, singing miscellaneous profanity, shreiking at random, and pretending to be enthusiastic gay lovers with Agent M.  Looks, I shit you not, like the guy from the Geico cavemen commercials.

Agent M: Who is called this in my summaries because he has the same first name as half the building, and most people just call him by the first syllable of his last name.  Is largely a background character unless pretending to be gay with Frank.  Sits behind me, speaks politely and respectfully to everyone on the phone, calls Frank a ‘jagoff’ (which is Pittsburghese and is a combination ‘jackoff’ and ‘jerk’ and is largely due to Pittsburgh’s ‘insert whatever letter you feel like using’ philosophy regarding pronunciation).  Recently walked in on a massive stash of heroin and still feels super rad about it.  Loves going home early on his duty day.  Yells “BOSS, CAN YOU FIX MY EMAIL” at Kelly a lot.

Kathy: Is every bitter and dry late-40s early 50’s woman you have ever met.  Once came to work ‘dressed like Elvis.’  Goes off that her day has been ruined at the slightest provocation, including, once, her ‘broken’ keyboard, until I shook the crumbs out of it.  Frequently telling people to shut the fuck up, assumes the absolutely worst about everything, possesses, for some reason, an uncanny ability to steal fuck tons of candy from social events like weddings and retirement parties, and is responsible for most of the snack jar in Kelly’s office.

Kelly: “Boss.” Says everyday that she is about to cry and go home, though is more fun and more computer literate than Kathy, and always gets a fuck ton of shit done. Ludicrously competent for how often she says everything is over and she’s quitting.  Her biggest obstacle yet is Windows 7.  She supervises all of the above people and has a very strong Pittsburgh accent.  I work for her unit.  

Michelle: Half Greek and half Middle Eastern, she once said that she was issued a razor and a waxing kit at birth.  Is actually married to Chuck, who looks like someone turned down the saturation in Photoshop on him.  Sits diagonally in front of me, once took me around town to show me how agents do their job.  Often comes by my cubicle, hits my chair and then makes mocking puking faces or has me do a little dance with her.  She’s my favorite in real life (as opposed to my favorite character on the show/tumblr version of the office, which is Frank) because she’s really honest, really quick witted, and just full of life.  She once had a really beautiful argument with Bruce about a blue marker. 

Tim: Michelle’s supervisor.  Large, grim, and in a bad mood all the time, though not as loudly or aggressively as Kathy.  His agents and my entire unit mock him relentlessly. All call him Timmy. The further you sit from his office, the less likely you are to call him that.  Listens to his voicemailbox on max volume and, as far as I can tell, deletes everything regardless of content. 

Cas: Sings ‘motherfucker’ as often as possible.  Sounds and dresses like a Pittsburgh cowboy.  Likes to play ‘significant’ pieces of music over the intercom (mostly anything you’d find on a Jock Rock album).  Has fights with Frank on the intercom.  I called him out for saying something sexist my first two weeks there.  Is otherwise fun and cool. 

Bruce:  Has a shitting schedule so precise that most people in the office know he will be in the bathroom at certain times and avoid calling until he is done.  Possesses a calendar about shit and is the reason there is a newspaper in the unisex bathroom.  Once flipped utter shit about someone taking his blue marker.  Called him out for sexist jokes three days after Cas, he apologized in the most profuse way possible and decided he should start leading by example.   Is actually much cooler than his association with shit would lead one to believe. 

And that’s just the agents!  There’s still clerical which is its own kettle of fish. 

BUT YES. This is a character party like no one’s business and I think they behave a lot like a deeply weird family.   With guns, singing, and intercom screaming.