write some shit down, continue onward, I guess

i need to stop doing this and just put it on livejournal

I’ve found two apartment places nearby that could really really work, but I haven’t heard back yet on availability and it is fucking me up.  I feel like as soon as one of these places says, ‘Yeah, we have a one-bedroom (or even a studio at this point)’, I’ll just fucking take it, consequences of everything else be damned.  Living on someone else’s floor is causing me a lot of background radiation stress and I’m really starting to feel the effects of it now.  In addition to worrying that I have pushed this friendship to a breaking point and beyond, almost everything I eat makes me sick an hour later, I turn off shows and music as soon as my friend walks in the door because I don’t want to be in the way, I think I’m starting to suffer a bit from all this sleeping on an airmatress, and my generalized fear of anyone watching me learn things or even just do things at all has ensured that I have not done a whole lot of anything and certainly not super healthy cooking.    My grandmother was shocked to see me the last time we met up because I’d lost a ton of weight in her eyes, and I thought she was on crack at the time, but I do wonder if I haven’t dropped some.  And not in a 'good’ way, but more like a 'you’re eating very little and what you do eat is either crappy or making you sick immediately’ kind of way.  

god i am also just crazy lonely to the point where I think things like 'aww, it would be nice to have a crush on someone’ and like A) no, it wouldn’t and B) I don’t know anyone to even casually tolerate

also yesterday i discovered that eurovision is happening memorial day weekend and now i’m pretty sure that i will not be getting to take the days off to go visit tinsnip for our party because i’m pretty sure everyone is going to try to get memorial day weekend extended and it’s awarded by seniority and i am at the literal bottom of the foodchain in this office :C :C  

there’s still a chance that not everyone will ask, but it’s not looking good

i am probably going to draw space people and fucked up musical teenagers in love all day, that seems to be my primary method of coping