I know that I’m essentially the one making the decision not to go to my grandmother’s 80th birthday party because my dad and my step mother will be there, but it is hard to sit and accept that, essentially, everyone else has decided that they would rather have those two there than me, and what they did to me was acceptable. That someone who abuses family is still family.

I visit my cousins all the time. I draw with them and watch Doctor Who with them and geek out about video games and Tumblr and being the gay cousin. My dad has met them once. But he gets to go comfortably.

Family members I haven’t seen in 15 or 20 years will be there I won’t get to see them, because I have to choose my psychological health First.

Everytime I see my dad I end up crying. I’m still very angry about the things he thought it was okay to do to me or let happen to me. I don’t feel like I should have to be subjected to a prolonged interaction with him, and yet I still feel like I’m the asshole for not going.

Not him, you know, for abusing me.