“Adult children of toxic parents have an especially difficult time with their anger because they grew up in families where emotional expression was discouraged. Anger was something only parents had the privilege of displaying. Most children of toxic parents develop a high tolerance for mistreatment. You may have only a vague awareness that anything out of the ordinary happened to you as a child. Chances are, you don’t even know how angry you really are. You probably deal with your anger in one of several ways: you may bury your anger and become sick or depressed; you may divert your anger into suffering and martyrdom; you may deaden it with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex; or you may blow up at every opportunity, letting your anger turn you into a tense, frustrated, suspicious, belligerent person. Unfortunately, most of us rely on these old, reliable, ineffective methods to deal with our anger. They do nothing to help free you from the control of your parents. It is far more effective to channel your anger in ways that help you define yourself and your limits. Let me show you some effective new ways to manage your anger: 1. Give yourself permission to be angry without making any judgments about your feelings. Anger is an emotion just as joy and fear are. It is neither right nor wrong—it just is. It belongs to you; it is a part of what makes you human. Anger is also a signal, telling you something important. It may be telling you that your rights are being trampled, that you are being insulted or used, or that your needs are not being taken care of. Anger always means that something needs to change. 2. Externalize your anger. Pound pillows, yell at photographs of the people you’re angry at, or have imaginary dialogues with them in your car or alone at home. You don’t have to attack or verbally assault someone to express your anger—talk to people you trust about how angry you feel. Until you get your anger out in the open, you can’t deal with it. 3. Increase your physical activity. Physicalizing your anger can help release a great deal of tension from your body. If you’re not able to play tennis or run or ride a bike, clean out that overflowing closet or take a dance class. Physical activity also increases the production of endorphins—brain chemicals that enhance your sense of well-being. You’ll find that acknowledging your anger will increase your energy and productivity levels. Nothing is more draining than repressed anger. 4. Don’t use your anger to reinforce your negative self- image. You are not bad because you’re angry. Guilt over feeling angry, especially at parents, is to be expected. Say out loud: “I feel angry. I have a right to feel angry. It’s okay to feel guilty about feeling angry if that’s what it takes to deal with that anger. I’m not wrong or bad to feel this way.” 5. Use your anger as an energy source for self- definition. Your anger can help you learn a great deal about what you are and are not willing to accept in your relationship with your parents. It can help you define your limits and your boundaries. It can go a long way toward freeing you from old patterns of submission, compliance, and fear of your parents’ disapproval. Your anger can help you refocus your energies back to yourself and away from the impossible battle of trying to change your parents. Turn “I’m angry because my father has never let me live my own life” into “I will no longer permit my father to control me or devalue me.””—
Susan Forward, Toxic Parents
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