So I don’t know if you guys remember the last time that I decided just to do a stream-of-consciousness chatting in my voice to text box while I was sitting in traffic, but that’s what we’re going to do again today. Because it’s funny, every time I leave the house kind of late I end up with traffic that’s like a little more active than usual but I managed to squeeze into the parking lot right around the time that I need to be there. Except today, I’m thinking okay I feel like garbage but I’m going to try 2 be at work a little earlier and look responsible or some shit. So since I’m doing this you can imagine the. Has not gone as planned. I’m sitting in even worse traffic than usual despite leaving considerably earlier. There is some kind of holy sweet spot for traffic that I have not yet found at least not for this season. Because, the traffic patterns change dramatically depending on what the weather looks like. This sounds like it should make sense like people drive worse when it’s actively storming or something like that. But it’s actually just like as soon as it gets colder there’s 200 on my route to work. I don’t know why this is but it makes my already seasonal efukt brain less happy. I apologize that this wall of text I’ve been able to figure out for the most part, and last night I even figured out that you can vocally enter emojis, which blows my fucking mind for some reason. I do not however know how to get it to make a

Okay so saying the word new and then the word paragraph turned off the voice thing and acted like it was thinking about getting me another line so that’s pretty funny, luckily I’m sitting in traffic so I could reach over and press the button again. I didn’t actually want to make a new space right there but whatever this is what we’ve got. Already having so much trouble waking up in the morning and it’s not even completely dark. I should be getting up earlier than I am but it’s a struggle just to do what I’m doing right now. I have definitely just rolled out of bed in the shirt and sports bra that I slept in threw on some pants and a sweater and gone to work a few times in the last week and a half. I’m wearing a sports bar right now. I can’t stop coughing in the mornings I always sounds like I’m the first carrier of the new bubonic plague and then it just like goes away by 10:30 or so but I wish that this thing could pick up coffin somehow and relate to you how often I’m doing it throughout this. I look over at it occasionally and I can see that it’s already made some very interesting word choices but my last one was a lot more interesting in terms of what the fuck does that say

I just passed a car that is always parked on the side of the road when I’m on my way in except today they had a new sticker on their back window that said in loving memory of someone with an end date of 2018 so that was certainly something. There’s usually well not usually but frequently enough that I recognize it a truck that is parked on my route home that has a sticker on its window with the word sleep in like a no-smoking circle. And there’s another sticker to with a similar Johnny 5 and I can never remember it until I see it and everytime I think hey I got to go home and tell the internet about that they’re really going to appreciate it but I never remember because like the moment I enter my door the day is gone you know? Like yesterday, my supervisor asked me about something that I did on Thursday of last week and I don’t know if she legitimately expect me to remember the names of all of the people that I deal with, but I especially am not going to remember it after a weekend and a Friday that I left sick. Unless the case was really interesting or really unique or something no I don’t remember these people I just do the thing I’m supposed to do and ship it off to where it’s supposed to go that’s literally it. I also just passed some people who were pulled over by the police, so maybe that’s what made traffic extra funky today feel like I’ve been seeing a lot of police

I guess I do this because sometimes I just need to feel like I’m talking to someone and my situation lately has his left things uncomfortable in that regard like I feel as though I am being a bother more so than usual because I just kind of have bad things going on and the people that I usually go to to help me with the bad things also have bad things so I feel a bit like I’m running out of outlets.

I also feel like I have been working so hard on so many things lately trying 2 make my life better buy some marginal Shred and it either goes unrecognized or ends up meaning nothing. Like I finally got that stupid wage garnishment off of my paycheck and then my right. Increased and yeah the paycheck will still result in me having more but it feels like I lately have been taking steps to do things better and what I’m getting in return is excuses for people to their for take more from me. About here buddy that was me talking to the construction guy who was waving at me to go on a different Road when I wasn’t even going onto his Road

But really lately it does feel like I just make progress and step forward so that someone can say oh good she can handle more abuse, you know? Hey she makes more money now that’s great that means we can take more from her. Hey we know that she’s an adult and tries to do things rationally and shit and has really been working on communication and other kinds of therapy bullshit so it’s okay to let other people mistreat her for a while because she can take it.

Dang she sure is really fast at work let’s make sure we give her all of the work that has an extreme time limit. Her anxiety disorder will definitely not short out her brain when she sees all these emergencies in her inbox and force her to do nothing but hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

I did a lot of scary things and put a serious dent in my financial stability in order to rehabilitate this dumb student loan and attempted to improve my credit score, and while that has removed the garnishing my wages like I said my rent immediately went up so it feels kind of like that did nothing and I feel like the higher credit score has only increased the amount of garbage I get in the mail telling me to sign up for more credit cards. Like all I really did was make myself look more attractive two people who want to take advantage of me.

Last year I tried to fix my uterus after bleeding constantly for 3 months and that was a complete shitshow and I feel like I have gotten only slightly above middling results with that treatment

Considering that I tried to slice my own arms apart with my fingernails last week not terribly sure the antidepressants are working either

Like oh you want to take meds for this great let’s make it worse and have you attempt suicide at work, you know?

Therapy, you say? Yeah, you barely fit in the schedule and can’t afford to go as often as you need to now. Congrats, dumbass.

I feel like my good efforts are mostly being punished, that’s the moral of the story.