There Are Distinct Stages
A gaslighter doesn’t simply need to be right. They also need for you to believe that they are right.
In stage one,
you know that they’re being ridiculous, but you argue anyways.
- You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate – your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world.
- You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval.
- In stage one, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.
In stage two,
- you consider your gaslighter’s point of view first and try desperately to get them to see your point of view as well.
- You continue to engage because you’re afraid of what their perspective of you says about you.
- Winning the argument now has one objective : proving that you’re still good, kind, and worthwhile.
In stage three,
when you’re hurt, you first ask, “What’s wrong with me?”
- You consider their point of view as normal. You start to lose your ability to make your own judgements. You become consumed with understanding them and seeing their perspective. You live with and obsess over every criticism, trying to solve it.
- Looking back, I see that I was deep in stage two when I left the relationship. However, I continued to try to have a friendship with him for months after. I longed for resolution, understanding, and forgiveness.
- And when I finally went no contact, instead of healing, I actually moved into stage three. I didn’t understand, nor did I know how to solve, the gaslighting that I continued to do to myself after the relationship was over.
If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice, it’d be to go no contact immediately for at least a year. And maybe that’s what other might need, too.
It’s really, really hard. It’s hard because it may still feel like that understanding and resolution is right around the corner. It’s hard to let go of that.
But think: You don’t have to yet. Just commit to a year. Because anyone who isn’t abusive won’t punish you for the space you need to heal.
And when I say “no contact,” I mean complete no contact.
- Distance yourself from mutual friends.
- Block your gaslighter on social media.
- Ask your friends not to give you any new information about them unless it directly pertains to your safety.
- Fuck anyone who says you are being unreasonable.
You need this to heal, and you need the space to learn how to stop gaslighting yourself.
(via justemotionalabusethings)
