I keep doubting myself, thinking, “I’m just lazy and don’t like to work,” but when it’s work I care about it work that doesn’t put me in situations that make me panic, I’m really dedicated. I love working on paintings, and writing. I wrote several thousand word updates on novel length work every month for a year! I made a whole children’s book in like a month. I made a painting every day for a week! This place just sucks everything out of me and makes me feel hopeless and like I need to do something dramatic or self injurious to get them to understand I’m not doing well.
I just keep thinking I’m faking, despite a real human professional telling me I could apply for real disability.
I’m really frightened of almost everything, really, and I don’t know how to start with what I need to do.
I’m having trouble remembering steps, processing what I’m doing. Looking at tasks I do literally everyday is feeling like I’m staring into a theoretical math void where I don’t know even the base concept, like there’s not even a stray mental branch for me to grip and hang from, it’s just greased walls all the way down
