I am paralyzed by this name thing, I’ve accidentally created two of myself and I don’t know what to do

Lady does all the cool stuff people like.  Lady is strong and interesting and people get internet crushes on Lady and greet Lady with yay and laughing and smiling.

Real Name gets yelled at and pays the bills and was abused and traumatized for a long time and can’t make friends.  No one talks to Real Name except to reject Real Name or ask Real Name for money.  I had panic attacks about this at work!  I had to tell my supervisor to stop putting Real Name on emails and suddenly my work got better! I wasn’t even Trying to do better!   I told my therapist to stop saying it over and over in sessions a visit and a half in because it just feels like scolding. 

Now I have to put an art portfolio together and I’m like fuck, I can’t send them a portfolio with Lady Yate-xel on it, I’m supposed to be a goddamn professional, I came up with this name when I was 14 and everything I’ve done since then is just easily a google search away, what the hell am I doing oh my GOD, potential employer would you like my FANFICTION.NET ACCOUNT?  It’s the third result for some reason!  I hope you like the old version of SWAN and also hire me at your huge app company

but it doesn’t feel like Real Name painted all this stuff, LADY did.  

and if I go by Real Name then I just give up having been Lady to do art for over 15 years and I am just

paralyzed 

this looks like such an easy solution in text, just use your real name like a normal person, but i’m legit feeling grieved by it and i don’t know what to do

I don’t hear enough positive associated with Real Name to that point that I brace for emotional impact when I hear it, but I’ve ouroboros’d it to now because of that, I never use it, so it doesn’t have the chance to get positive usage

fuck