Several years ago, I worked as a stock and merchandise ninja for a Macy’s. We had to be there at 6:30 in the morning normally, but as the horrors of Christmas approached, they forced us in earlier and earlier. 3:30 or 4AM is the earliest I remember.

I was also working at this Macy’s when my ex said ‘I don’t love you anymore’ and vanished onto a plane within the space of a week, abandoning me to take care of Everything.

After calling off work because of intense emotional trauma, my first day back turned out to be November 1st. I opened the door more miserable anf broken than I had previously thought possible and that motherfucker on the speakers had the gall to be singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year~”

I had developed a rage twitch about Christmas music from the prior year, in which we were worked without an end time on desperate menial tasks for joke money and frankly just grossly mistreated and psychologically beaten down to the tune of 46 different pop artists sing their own version of the same dozen piece of shit forced happiness songs.

But that day I came in to do my slave labor and they were playing songs of joy and happiness and family while I was deeply I mourning and already fully aware the holiday is just mind control? My god, I was so furious I trembled.

I had grown to hate most of it before my experience at Macy’s but, working that kind of retail and seeing how pointless and worthless everything was and how hard we were working to do it just sent me over the edge. Christmas, with its music and crushing obligations and horrible Darkness, feels like psychological torture now.

I honestly will probably cancel all of my emails from Jo-ann’s and most of the places I’m subscribed to until January.