I stayed home from work and slept in today and spent pretty much all morning having nightmares that my parents were asking me why I wasn’t at work and that they were going to catch me in bed at any moment and I was terrified of it.

I had to keep waking myself up and telling myself it was okay, that they’re not here, that literally no one would know, that I live on my own, that I called off properly and I’m allowed to take sick days when my brains are bad and this isn’t some illicit thing I’m cheating to have.  

But it has followed me my whole life, this feeling that I’m going to be ‘in trouble’ for just staying in bed or not being ‘sick enough’ to stay home.  My family made fun of me or teased me or asked me all these accusatory questions about doing things vs sleeping and I think it’s part of why I haven’t slept a full night in 20 years.