It was a small thing, okay?

The bluray player my brother gave me did not work.  It is too new for my TV. I tried over and over, everything I knew how to do, but upon sorting everything that made sense, I learned that because of some copyright protection stuff that came into existence after my television, the new player will not communicate with the television.

I didn’t even buy the TV, it was given to me.  Can’t afford to get a new player or a new TV.  I never could.  I’ve never bought any of my TVs.  They were always someone else’s cast off.  So is all my furniture.   I just wanted to watch a movie I could only find on BluRay and maybe enjoy the special features on all these combopacks I’d bought over the years with anticipation of upgrade.  I learned I could buy this splitter that will usually bypass the certificate requirements, but it requires its own power source.  The blu-ray player took the last spot on my power strip.  I just wanted to watch a damn movie, not rewire my entire shitty apartment with brand new expensive everything.

I texted my brother about it and I was so ANGRY that I did because it wasn’t hard to set up, it was like plugging in a Sega Genesis, it is EASY and my parents are always telling me to get my brother’s help putting things together, installing things.  I can DO things, I’m capable!  I’m really fucking smart, fuck you!  Why do you think I’m not living up to that one minute and I think I need a big strong man to help me put up shelves or install an anti-malware program the next?  His job and his degree are in tech, but I’m not an idiot!   I rescued my entire last computer with DOS commands!  I’ve fixed computers 900 miles away from me!  And yet you’re surprised I can put up shelving!  It’s just because no one needs color theory help as often as they need internet help that I’m fucking useless to people and he’s the one everyone wants!  Why are you telling me I’m brilliant and helpless at the same tiiiiime oh mygod

But I had to text him because I had done everything that made sense, there were only like four variables.  I had to be missing something obscure, something about tech I’ve never used. Because I don’t know about fancy new TVs because I don’t have a house and brand new things like he does.  I have a TV made in a bridge era so I can plug in my old shit and my new shit and I my brother gave me that too because he was getting a newer fancier one and his has been replaced twice now or something?  I don’t know.   

It’s a small dumb thing to be upset about, but I was trouble shooting all this in the dark because my FuCkInG LAmP, and it was New Year’s Day and I saw shit about my ex and I had been stabbed pretty hard in the metaphors the day before by the movie I saw and the songs were screaming in my ears telling me I was not in the right place and not doing the right things and why am I here and the cat keeps eating every piece of soft plastic they can find and every day I’m half screaming that I should have just left them outside because they obviously hate me and I’m not enough for them so they’re eating non food and we’re losing a coworker at my job who they have no intentions of replacing so the work load and the time I have to spend up front just increased again after we lost the last girl in August and student loans and 250 more dollars every time I get stabbed in the eye

I can’t keep up with everything I’m supposed to do, I can’t do all these chores, I can’t clean all these things, I can’t eat all these (but not those!) foods, I can’t focus on the right things, I can’t sleep because I’m haunted by my own brain and these still lingering terrified fears of my parents and how much time I spent just doing exactly what I had to so they wouldn’t be mad and 

I want to be disobedient