As someone whose anxiety is triggered by thoughts of being a disease vector and worries about contamination, COVID isn’t fun.
This is a good writeup.
It’s so, so incredibly difficult to fear both accidentally killing someone by being a vector, and to fear relapsing into the madness of obsessions and compulsions. I used to wash my hands so much that I cracked my skin open. I would have panic attacks at the thought that there was the slightest chance that I had maybe possibly passed on a germ or an allergen to somebody, and then I would hate myself for being so paralyzed with fear and uncertainty and inner debate that I couldn’t even “warn” them about it. I have had to talk myself out of the idea that I’m a depraved coward, who has only managed to avoid killing someone because of dumb luck, and deserves to be punished with jailtime or suicide, far more times than I can remember, let alone count. I was so triggered at work the other day that I couldn’t sit at the front desk, and I was so angry at myself for putting my coworkers at risk by “making them” do it.
This is an awful, awful time for people with this disease. I don’t have anything insightful to say. I just ask that you all pray for me.
(via tinsnip)
