a read more brain dump, which i’m hoping will feel better than containing it all

We’ve had our first death in my county and the numbers of infected are doubling every day.  

I’m lucky to have been sent home by the government agency I work for with two weeks of pay, but I am concerned they’ll want us back too early.  I don’t trust my coworkers to be practicing anything remotely safe.  The one in particular just goes to bars and casinos constantly, and they’ve closed those, but I feel like she’ll find a way to have a block party.  And we will have to share the front desk telephone with her.  

As much as we have restricted their visiting the office, I still worry about contact with offenders who report to the office.  People getting arrested need to be patted down and all this.

But also I love being home instead of at work So Much, it’s nearly indescribable.  I’m free from the daily awful of that job, but slowly the euphoria of not being at a job I need to be heavily medicated to tolerate is being encroached upon by concern that we will all be kept safe until some rich asshole decides it’s more profitable to let us all die.  I don’t want to go back both because I think it’s A Bad Idea and because godihateittheresomuch and it is Ruining me

I have felt so bad needing to go out for medical supplies and prescriptions. 

I’m supposed to have an appointment about my retina next Friday and I don’t know what should happen with that.

My area looks normal.  I’m worried about how normal it looks.  I know the week leading up to shut down that rush hour traffic was lighter and lighter every day, so I’m sure there are technically fewer people out, but when I was in the drive through pharmacy I was looking at the plaza thinking, ‘This looks normal, there are still so many cars and people out jogging.  Is this what it’s supposed to look like while the news is telling us people are dying from this?  This looks like every other Thursday we have ever had.’

I’m dreading going back to work because I hate my job so much sometimes it boils over and I just start screaming and crying and I’m dreading going back because I think it will serve to make things worse at this juncture.  I’m worried the people in charge will need to see the hospitals overrun before they decide it was a real problem after all. 

And the governor has shut down everything that isn’t life-sustaining, but how long is effective, and I don’t want to go back there after finally feeling so much better and so much freer    

I check daily for news that we are supposed to go back and it feels like I’m waiting for news that it is my turn on the chopping block on several levels

My knee is getting better though, and that’s really cool. I’m almost out of fucking pads and bandages for it, though, which is less cool.  I can’t keep going to this fucking pharmacy.  I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to be hurt myself.  Healing is really awesome, though.  It’s amazing that that’s something bodies do.  A week ago my knee looked like dirty hamburger, but it’s slowly starting to become a knee again, and I think that’s just one of the neatest things, even though it’s obviously been happening to me all my life.  

I have defrosted the tiny bag of overpriced chicken I managed to get the last time I was at the grocery store.  

Really looking forward to the marsala.