everythingbutthecat:

I have been living in a fog, and I have named this my Pandemic Brain. Here are the symptoms of Pandemic Brain:

-hard to focus on pretty much everything; including articulating my thoughts and feelings and it comes out like I’m half asleep or trying to speak a foreign language for the first time - disjointed and full of question marks
-binge eating
-a need for escapism through music, books, movies, alcohol, drugs…
-craving rituals and routine when there is none
-demanding answers when there is none/very few/only speculation
-a need for connection; physical and/or community
-anxiety, massive massive anxiety
-insomnia
-panic attacks

“Wait. I know this feeling,” I said last night to my partner Jason, “this is grief, this is bereavement.” And something shifted in my chest at the acknowledgement.

I went to South Korea with my friend Roberta on December 26th and left for home on January 9th 2020, when there was little buzz about COVID19 in the news. We had no fears getting to and from our destination. But in the coming weeks we heard from friends back in Korea that there were lockdowns and closures and… deaths. The first case in Canada was just days after we landed. Cue the insomnia.

I live with GAD and the hum of anxiety is something I live with day to day. But this was different. It was mixed with the familiar what-ifs and spiral thought patterns, but now with existential dread instead of regular dread, loss and mourning, debilitating fear -this was all familiar and the weight of it was somewhere between comfort and panic, like seeing an old nemesis: ah grief. Hello again. How I haven’t missed you. Literally, you never left, but this… this was like going back to stage 1.

We are in mourning, collectively, for what is happening, for what is yet to be, and for the futures we will not have because of it. I wrote about grief vs. bereavement last year as part of my annual naval gaze around the time of my brother’s death, and I explored how grief and bereavement are similar but different. I also read this article: “That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief” by Scott Berinato and agree that anticipatory grief is rattling us. From the article:

I am new to this concept of anticipatory grief - but it seems so much like what I experience with my anxiety what with that “anticipatory” word hanging there.  I can understand it through my years of bereavement too: (the loss you feel when you realise there is no future with that lost loved one) that the timeline you thought you were on, the one you planned for, is gone. We are mourning the loss of our future as we had seen it. We are on a new timeline. The thing to focus on is that we are in this together, and not just you and me, but the whole WORLD. There are changes taking place, yes, but look at how collectively we are changing things for good, dare I say fixing things?! This is what I am always trying to do with my anxiety: an ongoing discussion with my thoughts negotiating a balance of information to feelings to action. That article above spoke to me and had some great insight into this particular situation; and it complements what I have been working on for years - I see you darkest timeline, and I acknowledge my fear and apprehension, but I won’t let you immobilize me and steal the life I DO HAVE for the one I MIGHT HAVE.

This will be the 10th year deathaversary of my brother Andrew’s passing in November. I knew this year was going to be hard. Through 10 years of therapy I have built an arsenal set up to deal/cope/struggle/live with this calendar milestone. Most of that arsenal won’t work now because this situation has stripped me of my honed weapons: going out with friends, doing/seeing theatre, going to the gym, I even had plenty of travel planned! Letting go of that is hard, and frustrating, and my old rage starts to boil at the unfairness of it - the lack of control of it all. BUT, therapy and self care has taught me to also lean into what I can control and to be thankful for the things I DO HAVE. I encourage you to make those lists for yourself too. My friend Lori says to flip the script: I can still see my friends via technology, I can still be in creator mode (should I see through my foggy Pandemic Brain) and while I can’t see live theatre I can support the arts digitally for now, I can do Yoga with Adriene and Pump Classes from my living room or go for a walk with my puppies, and I can still plan travel and lean into the “when this is all resolved” timeline because that’s a great headspace to live in: the timeline has changed but it’s still there. In the wise words of Doctor Emmett Brown… “it means your future hasn’t been written yet, no ones has! Your future is whatever you make it: so make it a GOOD ONE!”

Should you need more resources please check out:

Therapy resources in the GTA: https://www.adrianna-prosser.com/mentalhealthadvocate/therapyresources/

Free Calm app resources: https://blog.calm.com/take-a-deep-breath

Have a listen to Lori and I on our mental health podcast: https://youtu.be/p7EMWbnc7Ts