i think sometimes that in writing and life we make the error of assuming what someone is pushed into saying in moments of extreme emotion are the Most Truthful.
there are times that difficult or ugly things are true, or when people need help letting go of ugly things they don’t WANT to believe but do despite their wishes.
but that feeling of “i wish i hadn’t said that” after an argument, or someone else saying “i regret saying that,” isn’t necessarily trying to brush away an uncomfortable “truth.” in writing conflict, and in real life, a lot of the time people are shaped by the choices that they make AGAINST their most selfish, base instincts. this is why pushing against someone until they break and spill ugly things at another person isn’t necessarily uncovering their “true” feelings.
(maybe this perspective is partly from having dealt with intrusive thoughts for so long, thoughts i’ve had to learn don’t define me or aren’t “really” me as long as i’m making the choice to not act on them or dwell on them.)
often, people have two reactions to a situation: an impulsive reaction and their considered reaction. choosing to bite one’s tongue isn’t just polite, but it can be an intentional act of love or kindness. it’s not cowardice or dishonesty to do the hard, crawling work of reshaping your own internal responses out of some greater motive or care. and the things that people say when they fail to do this aren’t always the things they WANT to hold or believe.
that’s why “clearing the air” in fiction can ring false. most people don’t feel better, not for long, about saying gross things they are frequently tempted to hold on to. sometimes, someone finally being honest can be refreshing, but most of the time unless clearing the air is actually sorting out misunderstandings that cast things in a better light? people end up feeling worse.
that’s becuase the uglier things we think about each other in our relationships are, to some degree, only true if we let them be. the compulsion to just finally say that awful thing that runs through your head when you’re already upset isn’t going to actually vent your anger the way you hope it will. you might feel better for a little, and then what you’ve done really is worn a groove in the neural pathway of being an angry, cruel person. if you do that often enough, then the actual truth in play is that you are a person who won’t do much work to shape kindness in yourself, and will always hold others flaws against them for your own emotional convenience.
in life and in fiction, kind people usually aren’t kind because they never think anything awful. it’s becuase they’ve never let those grooves wear deep. they’ve refused to become addicted to the short-lived high of explosive impulse, with all other considerations taking a backseat. choosing kindness in relationships, no matter now difficult they are, is a daily choice where the truth of what you think about another person is what you choose to focus on and say. it’s looking at someone with intentional, active love and care. it gets easier with practice.
and some hard truths are most truthful when they’re delivered with the same considerate love.
in writing relationships and in real life ones, make sure you aren’t assuming people at their worst are saying the most truthful things. sometimes, the truth is in what someone is choosing every day even when it’s hard.
(via haldora)
