So many of us neurodivergent folks were raised in an atmosphere of extreme
shame
for not being able to keep up in the ways that other people consider easy. When we can’t do “easy” things, neurotypical folks will tell us we are lazy and uncaring, because that’s the only way they can make sense of us not doing those things.
Shame is a tough mindset to shake. It even feels necessary, for a time, because it’s what we use to propel ourselves into accomplishing those “easy” tasks. The problem with using shame as a motivator, though, it is that it has diminishing returns, and as we pile more and more of it upon ourselves to try to keep up with expectations, it becomes debilitating, immobilizing.
Eventually we need to unlearn that shame. It is possible to accomplish things from a state of
Love and Joy
Not only is it possible, it is essential! We need that transition! We need to heal, to love ourselves, and to live the kind of lives that light us up. It’s from that sense of joy from the inside out that we truly add value to our own lives and the lives of our loved ones. It’s from joy-motivated action that we are able to do the things that allow us to thrive.
Yes, we still need to do some basic cleaning (or whatever, substitute your least favorite necessary chore here) even if that’s something we struggle with (I certainly do!) But we CAN teach ourselves to do those things from a place of joy and love.
It isn’t an instantaneous transition. It takes constant attention to the shift at first. It gets easier and easier as we go along, but I think there will always be times when that inner voice pops up with shame and bitterness, and we have to shift it. It’s both a process and a practice.
First - it starts with forgiveness instead of shame for the things that aren’t done yet, or for the benchmarks that you simply can’t reach.
My home is never as clean as I’d like it to be, but if I let myself feel shame for that I don’t have energy left to live my life. When I’m drowning in shame for the things that aren’t done I feel hopeless and everything I do takes extra effort to pull through that despair. Shame simply isn’t beneficial in my life at all. When I feel it creeping up I consciously decide to forgive myself, and to show myself love.
Our home was at its cleanest and most organized when my physical disability kept me from working but I still had the ability to do all the housekeeping most days as long as I could do it on my own schedule/move tasks around based on my physical capabilities that day.
But I was driven by shame and constantly obsessing over tasks that could still be done to the point that I never did anything BUT housework. There was always something that could be cheaper for us if I could make the time to do it from scratch. There was always something that could be better if only I could make the time, and so my time was always spoken for, and I gave up on the things that brought me joy like reading, drawing, and spending quality time with my loved ones. Now that I forgive myself for not always keeping up, I get to feed my soul with joy from my favorite hobbies and spread that joy to the people I love by spending time with them.
Secondly - we can stop to celebrate the things that we can accomplish. Maybe I can’t get every room in my home clean today, but if I can clean the kitchen or do the laundry, I stop and make sure that I take time to celebrate that. “Look, kitty, how much love you’ve shown to yourself, your husband, your home, in getting these things done!” There was a time when I was only ever focused on the things on my list that I hadn’t reached yet, and I was constantly miserable. When I take time to be grateful for what I could do, I get more done overall and I feel much better about doing what I can. And here’s the thing: unlike shame, if you need to feed yourself more and more love and gratitude in order to keep up, it only improves your life, and it never leads to freezing up in despair or giving up altogether.
And lastly - be open and clear about where you need help. When we’re constantly shamed for “being lazy” when we’re genuinely struggling, it can be really hard to say “hey it’s really hard for me to get this done”. When you’re a kid you can only stick up for yourself so much until you get worn down by family members and teachers who don’t understand. As adults we have the opportunity to reclaim our truth, and to prioritize relationships with people who respect that.
Here’s what that (ongoing) conversation boils down to in my home:
First off I want to say that I’m offering these not to say that we have everything figured out perfectly and everyone should do what we do, but just to illustrate that accepting our limitations is a kind of freedom, and that communicating those limitations to each other in a partnership can help us work together to best effect overall. And, of course, housework isn’t everything, this is only an example.
- my husband has ADHD and struggles with memory, fitting in to an overly structured environment, and keeping a schedule. Accepting his reality means letting go of my frustration that his belongings are always a little scattered around our home, and that I may have to always remind him to do the things that need specific timing.
- I am Autistic and have Elhers Danlos Syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. I crave structure and routine and sometimes get caught in a mental loop when those things are thrown off. My sensory issues mean that some tasks have a much greater energy cost for me than they do for someone without sensory issues. I also have a degenerative physical disability that means that for the last few years I haven’t been able to do an equal share of the housework, even though my husband works and I don’t. There was a time that I thought I would have to divorce him since I couldn’t bear the idea of being a burden in that way. Fortunately I was eventually able to hear him when he said that he accepted that aspect of me and that I still brought joy and love to his life that he didn’t want to trade away for the hope of finding a partner who could contribute more work. Accepting my reality means that he will have to do more of the work for both of us, and that he will have to strategize with me to satisfy my need for structure within the bounds of his capabilities.
Because we are both clear about our limitations and accept each other, we are able to work out a housekeeping strategy that works well enough for us, and forgive the things that don’t get done.
- My mobility issues and sensory issues mean that doing dishes and scrubbing the toilet both have a very high energy cost for me, so unless my husband is too tired from work, he does those. I fill in when he can’t and I can, and sometimes they just need to wait until someone is able to do them, and that’s ok!
- Because my husband has a high energy cost for keeping track of physical items and the optimal flow for his day often means he’s scattering things in his path, unless I’m bedbound I do a little spin-clean every day where I just put things where they belong and straighten out whatever needs it. We also pay attention to where he tends to leave things and make their “home” that spot, so there’s a place at his desk for his shoes and coat rather than by the door. At his desk and by the dresser there’s a dish for whatever he pulls out of his pockets, etc etc. By making his mess less dire by strategizing, and making tidying the rest a part of my daily routine, it allows me to keep the structure I need without holding him to standards that he struggles with.
- We both love to cook but my abilities day to day are variable and unpredictable, and he’s generally too tired to do much after work. So, when he has a day off and I’m having a good day, sometimes we batch cook things we can freeze and reheat easily. We’re not always able to do that so I keep a database of meals we both like that can be prepared quickly and easily and we make sure to shop with those in mind. Plus we always make sure to buy easy meals from the freezer section. I used to feel so much shame over buying freezer meals, but letting go of that shame means that we get to eat even when neither of us is up to cooking without just always having oatmeal or PB&j.
- I usually handle the laundry, but if I’ve been in a long flare up and can’t do it for a while, my husband does it, and I’ve finally gotten over feeling terrible when I see him doing it and accepted that me feeling bad over things I can’t change hurts us both and helps exactly nothing.
- Deep cleaning happens when we have evergy for it. We don’t vacuum and mop every single week. I don’t love that, but I’m done letting it ruin the things that really matter to me. If I could do it but I know it would make my knee and hip pain unbearable for the next week to the point that I won’t be able to do the things that I enjoy, I don’t do it. I wait until my joints are having a better day and do it then, or let my husband do it on a day when he has a lot of energy to spare. I love having clean floors but I love having manageable pain levels and energy to read, create, and interact even more.
Ok, I won’t go through the whole roster of chores, but you get the idea. It’s important to honor our limitations, and build a life around love and joy instead of shame. We can make each other’s lives better by expecting that love and joy to be at the center of motivation for ourselves and for our loved ones, and collaborating to figure out how that works best for everyone.
(via tinsnip)
