I am really not shaped for the dating app thing, I think. I don’t mean literally, I guess, since several boring people just message me stuff like, “you are so beautiful” or whatever (I ignore these, because they have obviously ignored everything but my photos) but I just feel like this is the incorrect way to do things for me. I love that I can quickly filter out people who smoke, think astrology is real, or have/want children, but otherwise I think I just feel a bit like shrink wrapped hamburger up for sale. This is the asexuality talking, I think.

I am also, uh, afraid of all these straight cis dudes. I was like yeah, I’m open to dating anyone, but I haven’t had a dude date since college and they all seem so eager to get me to restaurants and send a lot of “good morning, how are you” messages and I would just rather hear something fun than a stock message. Why are you angling for a restaurant where we are stuck waiting rather than a coffee shop snack where we can both bail if the other person is weird? Is this a tactic? Are you chaining me in place for two hours?

I think also maybe these dudes did not read the part of the profile where I said basically, ‘do not think you will be the special one to make me un-asexual,I like being this way.’ I’m wary of all their intentions and worried and weirded out that they pursue so much even in a capacity this limited.

I think about sharing my living space with someone else permanently and it makes me feel like I will be trapped and then buzzed down like a tree in the way of power lines.

I can’t imagine sharing my fandom stuff with a person I didn’t meet through it. And it is not like it’s a requirement to do so, but the one guy was so casual about the way he said that Gallifrey One looked like fun and he would totally go even though he isn’t a fan. I was just sitting there like no, I’m not searching for someone to go to my favorite event of the year with me? This is super important to me and I take it really seriously? Gallifrey One and Eurovision are events where I’m like do not schedule anything you want me to attend on those weekends, because I will choose those every time.

Maybe it’s because the fandom stuff has been a source of ridicule from other people in the past maybe it’s because there’s a lot of self-expression and exploration in the stuff I do with all of my little fictional people and the few times people have gotten close it has felt invasive I don’t know. I’m sure people I could trust with it and who would not be dicks about it exist but because I can’t imagine them, it is hard to operate as though they do?

I’ve been sustaining myself on imaginary worlds since I was like six and it has definitely kept me actually alive multiple times and like I don’t know maybe I have doubts about replacing all of my inner worlds with an outside person? Not that they would be a total replacement but they would take up some of the bandwidth allotted for that if that makes sense? Maybe I would be getting what is currently supplied to me through my own self-sustained neurons firing would show up as another person instead and I would have to lose something??

I want to be someone’s most important person, I think? And I think I would like to have that important person also? But I don’t think I’ve seen anything in real life in the shape that I would want it in. I keep having to reiterate that I’m not poly and don’t want to be anyone’s asexual Keychain on their 'real’ relationship.

I know I have a demiromantic thing going on too so maybe that’s why this all feels so bad. “Good morning how are you” feels fucking weird from some rando I don’t know, but if I had the ability to have romantic feelings as typically installed then maybe I would enjoy that. I might like it from someone I felt romantic things at. I would like it from someone I thought was creative and artistically skilled, I think.

I signed up for this sort of preemptively, like, oh when I get my spine back, I’m going to try to People, because I didn’t think anyone would want to bother trying to accommodate a stranger with a cane who still can’t get very far.

Which also scares me now that I’ve said it that way. Do they know I can’t run??

Yet another edition of 'you probably should have typed this up on livejournal’ but here we are.